Funny jokes

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in.

A bloke walks into a bar with a crocodile. Predictably, most of the patrons scarper and the barman complains. But the owner of the croc says, "No worries, mate, watch this." Picking up a bottle, he smashes it over the croc's head. No reaction, other than a wag of the head. The bloke then gets his cock out and puts it in the croc's mouth, but again the croc just wags its head. Then a fellow punter asks if he can try it.
"Help yourself, mate," says the owner.
The punter proceeds to smash a bottle over the croc's head and then put his cock in its mouth. The croc just gives its usual response. Word spreads and several blokes try it. Then an old biddy walks up for a go.
"Can I just make one request, though?" she asks the owner.
"Ask away, " he replies.
"Don't hit me so hard with the bottle

Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all of her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge," she says, and sends Johnny to play. A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he's found her sponge, "Oh, really," his mum asks. "Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddy's face with it

A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story. Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.
"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?". "Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, we eventually found her. After we all screwed her, we took her home."
The young journo blanched. "I can't print that!". "Has anything else happened?" The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all screwed it before we took it back home."
"Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!". "OK - has anything around here that made you particularly sad?"
The old man looked at the ground. "Well," he said sheepishly. "I got lost, once

äähm.. whatabout editing? lol. bionic 2. Cool

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"One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." Uncle Bionic

welsh wrote:

Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all of her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge," she says, and sends Johnny to play. A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he's found her sponge, "Oh, really," his mum asks. "Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddy's face with it

Hmmm.

That reminds me. Spliffy's face is quite dirty today. I'd wash his face myself but I'm afraid I've lost my sponge too!

Sad

was?

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http://www.cardomain.com/ride/3332770
C4 Corvette, love her till my death.

I think welsh is doing great job.

SPAM MORE PLEASE.

Spliffy's wife? Haven't saw her for awhile Very Happy

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http://www.cardomain.com/ride/3332770
C4 Corvette, love her till my death.

ich hass dies unziviliesierte spammerei. ich hass dies forum. Surprised

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"One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." Uncle Bionic

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this latest, state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

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...dirty has enough HATE for you...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and s says "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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...dirty has enough HATE for you...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

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...dirty has enough HATE for you...

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't Have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

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...dirty has enough HATE for you...

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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	d3im0s wrote:
	I like arnie's dick

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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	d3im0s wrote:
	I like arnie's dick